I had a miscarriage.

We had just come home from an amazing European vacation, and literally the next day..
I took a pregnancy test(actually I took like 9) and they were all positive. March 30th, was one of the happiest days of my life. I felt like I was on top of the world, and in complete disbelief all at the same time.

I definitely felt pregnant very quickly. I had ALL day morning sickness. Lots of nausea, and extreme exhaustion. Going to work was the task of the day, but it didn’t matter because I was pregnant. I was going to hold my baby at the end of the road.

At around 7.5-8 weeks , we had our first doctors appointment. I even got a sonogram, and not only saw our baby, but heard its heartbeat, it was so fast and strong!, but because it was so small at the time, we heard the heartbeat for just a minute or so.

Again, I was in complete disbelief and amazed, it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. We were so happy, Bob video recorded it on his phone, so we played it over and over, I would wake up and hear it, I would see the sonogram picture everyday and smile.

We made our pregnancy public on a Saturday, then 2 days later, a Monday we had our 12 week doctors appointment.

Towards the end of my checkup, my doctor used a handheld ultrasound device on my stomach…. but she couldn’t find a heartbeat. This is where my anxiety started to kick in, although…. this isn’t abnormal, sometimes you just can’t hear one, the baby is still really small.

She took us into the sonogram room to get a better look. There was my baby… I immediately knew. It was so small, almost as small as the first sonogram, like it had just stopped growing, but still there, sleeping in my womb. I heard the words , “this isn’t looking the way I want it to look” and she immediately told us there was no heartbeat, and that I was going to miscarry.

I immediately crumbled. I was in complete shock. She told me I could wait it out and miscarry naturally , or take a pill and it would start the process for me. So much information, but I had just learned that my pregnancy, this baby, was no longer going to happen, that it was coming to an end. I couldn’t think much less decide on my options.

My husband, my best friend, took over for me , and he continued to take over for me for the next couple of weeks, trying to shield me from more pain then I was already feeling. Telling everyone who had known about the pregnancy that I was going to miscarry, he was going through it too, he was hurting with me, but he was the one who told me “I’ll take care of everything”. I’ll forever be thankful to him for that.

I decided that on Friday after work I would take the pills to induce my miscarriage.
The prescription had 8 pills, 2 doses of 4 pills 6 hours apart.
I read all about the pill, what it does, and all the side effects, I informed myself of what was to come. I needed to be prepared.

I never knew what happened after a miscarriage, I mean I knew, but not the gritty details, many people think that one day you’re pregnant, and then the next day your not. Even though my baby was only about 9 weeks in size, my body was still pregnant at 12-13 weeks. To “miscarry” means your body gets rid of whats inside, all of it. ALL of it. I miscarried May 16th….

With those pills, my body was forced into dilating, forced into labor, forced into delivering, it was by far the most physical pain I had ever experienced.

The emotional pain, however… I remember when my father died, a part of me died that day too, I never thought I would feel pain like that again, that pain of losing your parent, that grief, that crippling sadness, I didn’t know I could exceed that pain, but I did.

I felt like my heart was cracking. Like I couldn’t breathe.

It hasn’t been smooth sailing for us, far from it. It took my body about 2 months to regulate itself, but my heart will forever have a loss. I will never get over this, and I have come to terms with that. Time does help, having Jehovah in my life, the comfort he brings to those who are suffering,  the support and love of my family and friends, talking to other women who have been through a miscarriage, but having my best friend, my soulmate , my love -Bob- by my side has helped me be calm and  have peace. He takes care of me when days are hard and reminds me to look forward to the future.

15-20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, there was nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with my body, it just happened.

My doctor has told me, (repeatedly) that I will get pregnant, and that my body is fully capable of carrying full term, and for that I am so grateful.

Until then, I strive each day to be strong, and to be positive, because there is so much to be thankful for.

with love,

-I hope this reaches women who have been through a miscarriage , and know that you’re not alone, and also hope it helps us to be kind and empathetic to those who have suffered through a loss.


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